The New boxer
An early morning at the Donatellis gym is a wide awakening. Every boxer training besides Alfred and pony boy. They’re both sitting in front of Mr. Donatellis office waiting for him to be done with his first session this morning. Alfred and Pony boy been just chilling around talking about who they think is the best in the gym. Pony boy looks at Alfred. “How much longer are we going to wait for? you said this would be quick.” Right after pony asked. You know who walks around the corner, Donatelli of course. “ Hey boys what are you guys doing here?” Donatelli questions. “ Hello Mr. Donatelli my name is Alfred. I live right around the corner and over here is my friend pony boy. We are both 16 years of age” Alfred replies. “We were wondering if we could join your gym and maybe you can teach us how to box?” Mr. Donatelli smiles. “ of course you can! its hard work though. are you guys in for it? it takes a lot of time and effort.” Alfred looks over to pony boy. “ up to you pony!” Alfred said. “ in that case its a yes Mr. donatelli. we will.” pony reacts with happiness. “ Be here tomorrow morning for 5 am sharp. Later than that and you won't be getting taught anything. see you guys tomorrow.” Alfred and pony both get up and shake Mr. Donatellis hand. “ See you tomorrow Mr. Donatelli.” they both scream. Now they are on their way home which is right around the corner. Pony boy lives across from Alfred in a three house apartment complex. "Goodnight pony" Alfred said with a tired voice while Pony boy jogged across the street to his house.
2 Months later…
“Alfred! Wake up!” Alfred mother yells. “ You have your first fight today. You really need to get up.” She repeats. “Okay” Alfred groans. Alfred hops out of bed and gets a new pair of cloths on. “What time do you have to be to the gym?” Alfred moms asks. “ 9 o’ clock tonight” Alfred answers. Alfred looks at the clock and its 6 o'clock already. Alfred finishes putting his clothes on and walks over to pony boys house. Alfred knocks on his front door. No one answers after a few minutes. Alfred knocks again. A few seconds after the door opens. “ Hi Alfred” said Pony's mom. “ hello, is pony here?” Alfred asked. “ No, He said he went down to the park behind the corner store.” Replies Pony's mom. “ Okay thanks.” Alfred questions. Why isn't he home? why is here out roaming the streets before his fight in a few hours? He has a fight in a few hours. Alfred turns around and starts to run towards the park. He gets to the corner store right in front of the park. He hears kids yelling. Alfred stops and listens. A few seconds later he see a group of kids run across the street coming from the park. The yelling stop once they left. Alfred runs over to the park entrance and looks over into the far corner. He sees a kid laying on the ground. Alfred stares. He thinks to him self, is that pony? he sees the blonde long hair that pony has and recognizes the clothing that pony always wears. Alfred runs over tot eh kid and once he got close enough to see the whole body. He knows that it is pony. “ What are you doing pony?” Alfred yells. Pony doesn't really answer. All he did was mumble. “ Are you alright? do you need me to get an ambulance?” Alfred ask with confusion. “ No, i'm alright.”
TO BE CONTINUED
alright, i thought that your story was really good! i could really Picture the ending part. the conversations were good and made sense. i liked the line "He sees a kid laying on the ground. Alfred stares. He thinks to him self, is that pony?" because i think that it builds some suspense during the ending, which is good. One thing that i did'nt really get was who Donatelli was. he was just kind of there in the beginning and wasn't introduced actually. all in all, it was really good! good job.
ReplyDeleteHi Ryan! I loved the pictures you added to your story. They made me feel like I was really at the gym with Pony Boy and Alfred in the beginning. I also think that you included some really great, authentic dialogue. Every time I came across a section of your story with the two boys interacting, it sounded like two real people talking to each other. Another interesting aspect of your story was the way you worked with time. Showing readers how the two boys started their training and then jumping right to their first fight, and a powerful cliffhanger, made for a unique read. I think that the ending was really effective but I wish I could have heard more about how the boys training was progressing, even if you only featured in in a flashback or a memory. I can’t wait to see where your writing takes you!
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